The Feeling of Being Different

Over the next few weeks, I want to share my story about my autism diagnosis. Well, actually, I guess more accurately, I should call this my Autism Realization.

The first time I thought I may be autistic was probably my late teens.

I knew I was different from my peers in a way I couldn’t explain. But when I was in college, trying to connect to new people, it was exhausting and confusing.  I felt burned out a lot. I felt so lonely and couldn’t figure out why connections and friendships didn’t come naturally to me. I didn’t understand the nuances of interactions as much as I felt like I was supposed to. Why am I not allowed to say certain things to people? Through observation, I figured out “Yeaaaa these folks hated that interaction so it was either weird or rude.” But I didn’t understand WHY it was weird or rude. I just left it at “ok, can’t ask that question, it makes people uncomfortable.” 

In college Psychology and Sociology courses, Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) was always in the curriculum. ASD also showed up in the media. TV shows and movies depicted young boys just wanting to be alone with their hobby and sometimes saying odd things at the wrong time. Sometimes they’d have meltdowns over stressors others couldn’t understand. I thought “well my momma would have never let me do that but I get why he did it. Been there for sure”. I still felt a slight disconnect, though. According to what I saw, people with ASD are supposed to be emotionless. Nothing seems to phase them in that way. I struggle to show empathy, but I’m not incapable of doing so. I’m also quite sensitive. So, that can’t be me. Maybe I’m wrong about this.

So I did what felt natural at the time. I pushed the idea to the back of my mind.

That’s all for now.
Just a note from my mind to yours.

—Me