The first time I told my therapist I think I may be autistic, she said..
“It would make sense.”
I was relieved. I was also amused, because, what do you mean “it would make sense?!?” Was it that obvious?! Yes and no. On one hand she could tell something was different, but she first had to determine if it was in response to traumatic experiences. As we worked together in sessions over time, she had a better idea of who I am, how I communicate, and how I interact with others. So, it was a process to get there, but we got there.
Turns out there was so much I didn’t know about ASD.
The more I learned, the more I felt like I was right all this time. I had a couple of tearful conversations about how ASD would explain my entire childhood experience. How it would explain why even approaching my 30’s I felt like everyone around me was given a manual on how to behave in social situations but I just never got my copy. I also had no idea that ASD could negatively impact my mental health if I didn’t have the proper support needed. Some of the depressive episodes I’ve been through were more likely periods of Autistic Burnout.
Additionally, the diagnostic tools we use today were designed for and by white men. As a black woman, I was socialized very differently, so some of the “typical” things associated with Autism may not always ring true for me, because they are really just “typical” for a bunch of white dudes. Plus, diagnoses in women and girls were severely lacking in the 1990s and 2000s (i.e. my childhood and adolescence). A formal diagnosis even now can actually be an expensive, long process. Still, I often find myself feeling like maybe I don’t get to take on that label without a “real” diagnosis. What if I’m using this label incorrectly?
What if I’m wrong?
My therapist gave a helpful, somewhat funny response to this worry. Non-autistic people don’t usually come to her and say “I think I’m autistic.” To get this far into this idea, after years of suspecting it and studying it, I’m probably not off track. Her advice? Try operating with the assumption that I am on the spectrum, and see if it gives more insight into my life experiences, past and present.
So I went with it.
She also suggested I read the book Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price.
So, I listened to the audiobook.
That was probably a major turning point for me in this self-discovery. I learned that many autistic people, particularly women and minorities, adapt to their challenging social expectations by masking their autism. Essentially, we put on a front that we’re fine, that we’re just like you, and we totally know what we’re doing, and it’s all good. I had developed a coping mechanism of just playing up my sense of humor to be the funny one in the group. That’s a personality people liked, so I just went with it. I’d been doing this for almost 30 years. I was exhausted.
With all that information, I decided, "Yeah ummm I’m definitely Autistic."
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